FEDS Consider Mandating Wheat Consumption (or else)
By Jock Stewart, Special Invesigative Reporter
Following up on a tip from SickiLeaks, this reporter infliltrated the paramilitary division of the Congressional Pet Wheat Corporation (CPWC) to learn its reactions to recent news reports that the commercially produced wheat hybrids in the United States have little or no nutritional value.
Accoridng to SikiLeaks, CPWC knows that while its seeds are used in some 45.7 million acres of wheat production accounting for 99.99% of the United States' annual production, the crop produced is basically worth "jack shit."
According to General Jon Doe, CPWC vice president in charge of vice, "America was built on wheat, and by God, it's going to continue eating wheat even if the unpatriotic SickiLeaks clowns claim the crop has more value as a poison than a food."
Based on this reporter's observations, CPWC astrologers and tarot card readers began prediciting several years ago that the world would stop eating wheat once it became commonly known that the agri-business hybrid had no nutritional value.
According to a ten-year study conducted by the Purple Platter Restaurant in Junction City, Texas, kitchen rats in recent years eat the sacks and cartons containing wheat flour and wheat-based cereal while leaving wthe "food" untouched.
According to random sources at CPWC, the corporation was rounding up its bevy of Congressional stooges to pass a law styled under the Affordable Health Care Act guidelines that will soon mandate that every American will continue to eat "massive quantitites" of wheat-based products or pay a tax via the Internal Revenue Service.
"This step protects America, a country built on wheat and dependent on what," said Doe. "We can't suddenly go off the wheat standard in this country without risking major upheavals in the agribuisness and export environments."
CPWC expects the Federal Covernment to madate wheat consumption for every American by 2020 in order to shore up the agribusiness community which is very dependent on a crop that most people think is "the cat's pajamas" but is, in effect, less nutritious than the packing materials in which it is shipped.
Highly placed Congressional aids are promising that no American will be fored to quit eating his or her favorite cereal or bread and that prices will, figuratively speaking, remain more or less the same as they are now.
The yearly tax for not eating wheat is expected to be "modest," according to the PR flaks' spin on the proposed law. Easy-to-use software will help Americans, young and old, sign up for their annual wheat quota as well as the companies supplying their eating materials.
"It's win-win for the country," Doe said, "and, of course, for our company."
Meanwhile, a SickiLeaks spokesperson said that whole wheat is a real "cereal killer."
If you're a fan of Jock Stewart, you may also like "Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire," a comedy/satire about the intrepid report's search for a stolen horse.