Washington, D.C., March 1, 2013 - Due to an unnoticed provision of the Sequestration Transparency Act of 2012, Congress, the President, the President's Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be sequestered at midnight barring a "last minute hail Mary" effort to score meaningful spending measures.
Bottom line: nobody is leaving the building.
According to unnamed and potentially aggravated sources in the Secret Service and the U.S. Marshalls Service, the provision in the act went unnoticed when it was inserted into the usual pork-barrel-laden unrelated verbiage that "slides by under the RADAR" in most federal legislation.
“They assumed they were just whistling in the dark when they passed the law,” said Sequestration Tsar Bill Smith (obviously not his real name), “and now they’re about to find out the legislation was less transparent than they thought.”
Like a sequestered jury, the sequestered government will "be herded like cattle" into a large room where they will have no Internet access, no newspapers or magazines, no conjugal visits, nor the ability to perform any of the usual duties of their jobs until a meaningful verdict on spending and the economy is reached and certified as Constitutional by the Supreme Court.
Some observers believe that the Government will act quickly after being forced to go "cold turkey" by being denied access to its usual news sources, The Onion, Entertainment Tonight, Survivor: Caramoan and Days of Our Lives.
A media pool consisting of representatives from The New York Times, Reuters, the Associated Press, The Wall Street Journal, Yahoo's OMG, and random guest celebrities will observe the discussion and communicate it to the world via Twitter. The sequestered parties will be provided with instant feedback about the amount of Twitter buzz each idea generates.
At the end of every day in which a Supreme Court certified agreement has not been reached, Survivor host Jeff Propst will convene a "tribal council" during which time those present will vote one member out of the room who will be terminated from his or her job position.
Remaining members will be permitted one hour of drunkenness after each council to celebrate the fact that they haven't yet been caught in a lie or bad sportspersonship.
Washington pundits, who are already calling the prospective sequestration "The Hides of March," say that it will probably take at least ten tribal councils before the group reins in such popular and conflicting governmental sequestration rhetoric as "this is Armageddon," "sequestration is good for the economy," "it's not my fault," and "it's all funny money anyway" and begins serious negotiations.
Informed sources expect all parties involved to fix the problem in time for April Fool’s Day.
--Story filed by Jock Stewart