Denver, October 3, 2012--Presidential Debate Control officials have acknowledged that the Junction City, Texas band known as "The Clowns" was banned from the first Presidential debate here today.
"It became obvious to us," said FBI operative Slim Pickins, "that forcing the candidates to listen to a performance of 'Send in the Drones' would not in any way help America make inportant voting decisions because they'd be too scared to think for themselves."
Informed sources who admitted they were making up the facts they were using said that the song was intended as "a humorous attempt" to call attention to the fact that the use of drones to kill evil-doers in foreign countries wasn't being discussed during the TV program.
Lead guitar player Bill Smith said that "it's just a matter of time before the drones are used in this country to take care of criminals the feds can't gather enough evidence about to bring to trial."
A spokesman for debate moderator Jim Lehrer of PBS said that the veteran anchorman was not told about the song or the fact that the people sitting in the green room were, in fact, a band of clowns.
Everyone who believes they are anybody is declining to comment on the song and on the use of drones. The consensus among those willing to speak off the record was that nobody wanted to send in the clowns other than the candidates themselves.
"We wanted to sing our song at the debate to allow both candidates to state whether or not using a law enforcement technique that violates the Constitution and breaks applicable international law is a positive or a negative thing for the American people."
Ignoring the advice of its attorneys, this newspaper is presenting the lyrics to "Send in the Drones" as a public service:
SEND IN THE DRONES
Oh what a bitch,
Oh how unfair,
The CIA is stuck on the ground
When we could have the air…
Where are the drones?
Opportunities missed,
Won’t you approve?
Ne'er–do–wells annoying us
While we can’t move…
Where are the drones?
Send in the drones.
Just when diplomats found closed doors,
We knew due process needed quick detours.
Quiet machines arrive like gods on high.
No time for diplomacy, whisper or cry…
When enemies are expediently kissed goodbye.
Don’t you love farce?
It’s hard to shed a tear.
We thought voters wanted what we wanted.
Sorry, our motives were unclear!
Send in the drones.
Oh my, they’re already here.
Isn’t it a bitch?
Isn’t it a shame?
Losing old laws and morals just out of fear.
Where are the drones?
We can even use them at home…
Well, maybe next year.
--Article by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative reporter.
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