Junction City, TX, September 26, 2012--The Albino County Board of Education announced here today that Robin Redbreast has been banned from the Alton Butts Elementary School library prior to the Banned Books Week deadline of September 30.
"Several parents called us and said that their children were too young to have ever seen a breast in their lives and they (the parents) didn't want them (the children) to know what they (the tits) were before joining college fraternities and sororities," said Superintendent Bill Dolt. "Robin Redbreast was just one of the breasts exposed in the stacks of our school library and simply had to be removed before anyone got warped for life."
According to a message left on the upstairs restroom wall, "who wouldn't want to see Marian the librarian when 'Widdle waggle went her tail.'"
Concerned parent Dalton Titmouse told reporters that he saw that handwriting on the wall after a parent-teacher conference last week and felt that there was simply no room at Butts for breasts.
"We got the Butts school board in gear at the last minute," said librarian Marian Jones, "since all books must be banned before Banned Books Week begins. We also banned Like Water for Chocolate after we read on Twitter that Nampa High School in Boise, Idaho found lots of breasts covered with chocolate in it."
Titmouse said that whenever his wife Dorothy covers her breasts with Snickers chocolate, he "knows how to handle such things like an adult" rather than laughing nervously about them.
A new sign posted next to the main entrance to Butts after this morning's meeting tells school children, teachers and visitors that "Alton Butts Elementary is a tolerance free facility."
Stewart's "Jock Talks...Politics" collection of satirical news stories is a 2013 Pushcart Prize nominee.