Junction City, TX, May 27, 2012--Following closely on the heels of the nearby Bexar County school board, Junction City's PS666 will begin tracking its sudents like cattle and/or criminals with RFID microchips when they (presmably, the students) return to school this fall.
"Like Bexar County, the Junction City School System is losing a crapload of grant money due to chronic absenteeism," said acting superintendant Clarence Cuspidor. "We feel quite strongly that the potential financial windfall trumps the potential loss of civil liberties once we start implanting the chips in kids' butts."
Informed sources said that while local regulations require chips in cats, dogs, cattle and criminals, the city's children are wandering around out there God knows where doing God knows what.
The RFID chips and monitors will be supplied by Cow Chips, Inc., a local company that has been tracking "Beef from Barn to Burger to Bathroom" for thosands of satisfied customers.
"Once our kids see that we care about them as much as we care about cons, cows and cats, they'll buckle down and learn the three Rs," said Principal Danny Dawkins. "The 'Big Brother Loves You' team stationed at the school's Watchful Eyes control center will know who's been naughty or nice--just like Santa."
Bob Jackson, president of the Junction City PTA said that the group reluctantly endorsed the plan when they were sent on a fully funded convention trip to Oahu where Cow Chips, Inc. put on a cocktail party that was so effective, no one remembers it.
"We do remember the demonstration prior to the party," said Jackson. "Using relatively inexpensive cow chips, company management simultaneously tracked the whereabouts of known criminal Carl Johnson and a pound of ground beef stolen from a local store that suspiciously ended up at a cookout at a politician's home. Speaking for myself, I love my kids more than I love my burgers."
Junction City Mayor Clark Trail said that since most city fathers didn't know where their children were--or how many they had--the new RFID plan was "the miracle we've all been waiting for."
"This is a rough town for truant officers," Trail added. "Now we're giving them the same technology the FEDs have been using for years to keep track of known or potential criminals."
Story by Jock Stewart
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