story filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter
Junction City, TX, October 2, 2011--Unclaimed Fright, the mega-corporation founded by de-archetyped Jungian analyst Frederick Anima in the Haight-Ashbury District of San Francisco during the "heady days of the Vietnam War," announced plans to turn the former Border's Book Store on County Road 3724 into a super-sized Primal Scream Center (PSC).
Anima (prounced enema) said that Junction City presented Unclaimed Fright with "overly ripe demographics" for the company's famed electric chair PSC intervention therapy because Albino County is a "seething mass" of humanity with no sense of personal responsibility.
"Figuratively speaking," said Anima, drawing a stick-figure hangman game on a large flip chart, "at least 98.6% of county residents are hung up with fears. They are literally being scared to death by everything that goes bump in the night, but won't admit it."
Puer Aeternus, chairman of the Junction City Psychotherapist's Club interrupted Anima's presentation thirteen times--based on security cam footage. He shouted, "You've got that right!" six times and hit Anima in the head with a spit wad seven times.
After being subdued by police and given 5cc of Valium, Aeternus explained that while Texans are "mean sons of bitches" on the outside, they live in a state of denial about their fears on the inside.
According to a Junction City Psychotherapist's Club white paper, Albino County needs a massive "infusion of sanity" that will not be found by screaming for hours in one of Unclaimed Fright's mock electric chairs.
"Primal Scream Therapy is a meaningful intervention for patients with neurotic disorders," said Anima. "We've simply enhanced the process to keep the cost to the patient well within the amount insurance companies are willing to pay. It's widely known that insurance companies think talk therapy is 'just paying for friends,' so we cure folks in our unfriendly, 'Old Sparky Electric Chair Room.' Patients are taught to own their fears with reasonably safe jolts of persuasion from an old car battery and leave feeling much better about the outside world."
Anima said that the company's award winning and highly controversial "GOT FRIGHT? CLAIM IT HERE" advertising campaign will begin running in the obituary section of the Star-Gazer next week.
An informed source for the nearby Saint James Infirmary, speaking on condition that he would not be referred to as the "Boss Shrink," said that it was "unlikely" that any of the "therapists" working for Unclaimed Fright would be allowed to commit anyone other than themselves to the infirmary.
Unclaimed Fright officials promised that its PSC would keep neurotics off the streets with the same effectiveness that the state's lethal injection program keeps criminals off the streets.
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Got unclaimed laughter? Put it to good use by reading Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire, the comedy/satire about Junction City, Police Chief Kruller, and the seething mass of fictional humanity of Albino County.
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