Junction City, October 24, 2011--Three months ago, Robert L. St. Ives had another name and an identity that nobody would sneeze at. His longest term of employment, not counting the License Plate Shop at State Penitentiary 666,was 38 minutes as a produce washer at the old A&P Grocery on County Road 3724.
Today, Robert L. St. Ives is a Rhodes Scholar with a high-profile job as Dean of Admissions at Albino College.
"Even though I'm dean of admissions," St. Ives said, "I'm not admitting anything that may have happened before I got my new life, compilments of Bob and Ray at Fabricated Life Stories, Inc. (FBL)."
St. Ives had to hitchhike all the way to Dallas to purchase his new life with $100,000 in funds from a variety of undisclosed sources and locations. Today, thanks to some well-placed favors, Bob Smith and Ray Jones are moving the corporation's headquarters to the former crack house behind Ghost-of-a-Chance Cemetary on Deadline Road.
According to the ABOUT US page on FBL's website, Smith holds a PhD in advanced basket weaving and Jones holds a PhD in alumni physical education coordination.
"We provide hope to the hopeless, clues to the clueless, and new lives to people who botched up their former lives," Smith said. "Our work is so thorough and above verifiable reproach, that everyone from the Social Security Administration to Homeland Security believes all paperwork flowing out of our vast network database."
According to sources who didn't know they were being taped, "FBL Certificate Holders have such flawless, fabulous and highfalutin credentials, they inevitably succeed wherever they're hired based on their celebrity status alone."
Local psychiatrist Puer Aeternus said that even though paying for a new identity at FBL has a dark side to it, most of those who use the company's services spend the rest of their lives growing into the lives that were fabricated for them.
"They become what they are pretending to be," Aeternus said.
Smith and Jones explained to local ministers who "had reservations about dancing with the devil" that 98.6% of the facts available via the Internet are variously massaged, tweaked, ramped up or totally fabricated."
"Lies tend to cancel each other out, leaving us with Pure D truth," said Jones.
"He's wrong," said Smith, "but that's why you can take what he said as gospel."
According to Chief Kruller of the Junction City Police Department, most of the residents of the former crack house behind the cemetery were "given a free ride" by FBL and how hold positions of trust in the community.
"Only in America," said Kruller, "could a man be who was wanted for grand larcency on the first of the month be the president of the bank on the last day of the month."
FBL's move to Junction City will be completed during the dark of night on October 31 when, sources say, "honorable people will be inside their houses with the blinds closed."
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Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter for the Star-Gazer. For a free Jock Stewart "Jock Talks Satirical News" e-book, click here.
Perhaps you should spread the word about FBL to those in political circles. I think most of them could use some help in creating a better history than they now have.
Posted by: Montucky.wordpress.com | October 24, 2011 at 08:52 PM