Got up this morning and heard a raucous cacophony of screeches, hisses and flutes outside the window. Sounded like the crap we used to hear on the first day of band practice back at Sam Houston High School.
Since I'd fallen asleep in my clothes--just in case--I grabbed my Glock-17 out from under the currently un-used guest pillow and ran out on the desk to investigate. The world looked normal which meant it probably wasn't.
"I love that big old gun of yours," said my sexy neighbor lady Label Ranks who just happened to be peeking over the fence.
"Thank you, Label."
"Stop calling me Label. The name is Mabel Franks."
Franks? No wonder she always looked at me funny. Before I bought a pair of hearing aids yesterday for the reasonable price of $57,000, I never could hear the letters "M" and "F." Every time I walked into the press room at the Star-Gazer, the purported employees shouted, "Uck you, lover ucker." Always thought they were daft.
Turns out, I was deafer than I knew.
"Sorry, Mabel, but today is the first time I've been able to hear much of anything other than gibberish."
"Two years of my sweet nothings have been wasted on you. Is that right, Jock?"
"Right as rain."
"Pity," she said, lighting up a cigarette that I'd always called Larboro, prompting fast food clerks to scream "Uck you." I never saw the humor in it as the time. "So, what's up other than your gun?"
"The racket," I said, wondering if she were deaf or daft.
"What racket?"
"That crap in the trees."
"Birds, Jock, the joyful song stylings of your fine feathered friends."
"They sing?"
"They do."
"My goodness."
I ran inside and called Lucinda at the Star-Gazer.
"Birds," I shouted. "They sing. The bird books are right. All those italicized words describing what birds sound like are true. They (both the sounds and the birds) are right here in my yard."
"You finally bought your hearing aids."
"About 57 grand just to hear birds sing, to learn my neighbor's name isn't Label Rank and to realize the guys in the press room never did yell 'Uck you' when I pressed the red button to stop the presses like they do in the old black and white movies."
"You haven't heard a word I've said for years," she quipped. "I wanted to liven up our sex life with a little conversation, but you always ruined it singing that gosh awful Loon Liver."
"Ah, Baby Cakes, it's my favorite song."
"Here, listen to this MP3 file of Andy Williams singing your favorite song."
The lyrics, which began on the top floor of the Star-Gazer building downtown made their way from one cell tower to another, bypassed the fine feathered friends in the trees, and reached my cell phone as a very celestial rendition of the humorous song about loons I'd been singing to girl friends and hookers ever since the comedy Beak Ass at Tiny's came out in 1961.
"My goodness, what has Andy done to our song? Moon River, wider than a mile? What is that about? Send in the loons." I spat on my new hearing aids and put them back in my ears. No help. Same new lyrics, lyrics that made a mockery of everything I knew and loved.
"Indeed," she said. "Other than you, there isn't a loon in sight."
"I'm guessing the movie never was called Beak Ass at Tiny's was it."
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
The thumping noise tangled up in her voice was starting to get irritating. "What's the deal with the jungle drums in the office?" I asked, not wanting to know.
"That's my heart beating, Jock."
"You have a heart?"
"Yes, and it starts beating faster and faster whenever you say those naughty words 'Loon Liver.' It's a conditioned response. Those words usually mean I'm about to get lucky."
"Hold that thought," I said. "I'm already in the car."
"You slept in your clothes again, how crude!"
"Crude!" I exclaimed. "I liked it better when I thought it was lewd. I'm taking my hearing aids out as soon as I get to your executive suite."
"Please do," she cooed.
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Jock Stewart appears in the novel "Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire" by Malcolm R. Campbell as well as a series of cool e-books.
Malcolm R. Campbell is also the author of "The Sun Singer," "Bears; Where They Fought," and "Garden of Heaven: an Odyssey."
OMG, this is the funniest Jock has every been! Who'da thought hearing aids would sharpen even his sense of humor!
Posted by: Authorsmokytrudeau | July 12, 2011 at 01:46 PM
Based on true experiences, well, except for the Lucinda part of it.
Posted by: Malcolm R. Campbell | July 12, 2011 at 01:58 PM
Hearing aids, huh? Maybe that explains why Jock hasn't been around a lot lately... he couldn't hear the applause!
Posted by: Montucky | July 12, 2011 at 08:53 PM